What a mixture of emotions and roller coaster of ups and downs. At a time of year when most people are happy to be with family and taking in the sights of all around us, I find myself a little withdrawn.
We are expecting our forth child in April. I have a 1/150 chance of having a baby with downs syndrome. This has not been easy news and we have decided to not go through with the amnio test due to risk factors and complications. But it is hard not to worry and blame yourself as a mother.
Two weeks ago we had to put our loving dog down. Most of the time we are so busy I don't have the time to dwell on her absence. But it is in the quiet hours - our time we had with just her I find tears falling. I wake up to think I heard her breathing only to realize one of our kids have snuck into our bed. I found her old tennis ball by the foot of our couch and didn't have the will to pick it up yet. One of my errands yesterday was to pick up her ashes from the vets. What an odd time to have to pick up ashes, during the holiday season.
My uncle passed away Tuesday. He was a wonderful man. I did not know him as well as I would have liked, their family lived in FL. I grew up in WI. He battled with Lou Gehrig's disease for a few years. His funeral will be December 27 - the same day was have plans to celebrate Aurora's birthday with her cousin Katelyn.
Then there is Aurora's birthday. Her third birthday. My first with her. I am excited but also sad. I missed her first two. As I have watched and rejoiced in family and friends celebrating their daughter's first birthdays - I now find myself envious and sad. I don't know what those days were like for her. I don't know how to celebrate them from here - when I missed the first two.
Anyway, like I said we have been on the roller coaster ride for awhile. While most of the time we are excited for the holiday time to be upon us, their are also times where we are having to explain the circle of life to our oldest. He comes across Copper's things as well and we have discussions about her death. He has handled it very well.
Then I think of my cousin's children, the same age as our boys. They have lost a loving grandpa. What a hard time of year this is.
